I’ve started reading the Seven Habits of Highly Effective people. I finished chapter 1 this morning. I’ve started the book as an audiobook several times, but this in one that I need to read the physical copy.
I’m reminded again, that my initial reaction in many situations is to distrust, or if I don’t agree with someone, assume that they are wrong, or have bad motives.
Why do I do this? When looking back, I’m often shown to have made wrong assumptions.
Back in college, a long time ago, I learned an important life lesson: my way isn’t the only way.
I worked at Canadian Tire in Oshawa. I worked there for several years during high school. My first summer back from college, I was re-hired and given responsibility for the Gardening section. I didn’t manage any people per se, but I was able to give some of the part-time evening workers tasks to complete for me.
What invariably happened was that that I’d give someone a task, they would do it, but it wasn’t exactly how I thought it should be done. When I came in to work the next morning, I would see it, then often redo it so that it would be the way that I wanted it done.
I’m not sure how the epiphany hit, or how long it took, but as I was grumbling about how I didn’t have time to redo what should have been done right the first time, I realized that the way it had been done was perfectly fine. It just wasn’t the way that I had imagined it would be. There was nothing wrong. The right products were there. The correct signage was with the correct product. I realized that my grumbling should be directed to me and not the other. If it needed to be done my way, then did I give enough direction? Or maybe, I needed to realize that my way was not the only way. I opted for the latter. My time in that position was so much better after that.
That was when I was 19. I’m 45 now. You’d think that the same process would be easier. It’s not. It might take me less time to recognize my problem than before, but I still have that annoying instinct not to trust or have the negative first impression.
Unfortunately, these happen in many areas of my life: camp, school, work, family, church and others.
There are times that I do well and prepare myself before the event. I might have a meeting scheduled, and I’ll remind myself as I prepare. “Listen first”. “Truly listen, don’t just use the time to mentally figure out how to counter”. “Think about their background, who they are, and try to understand how they came to have the ideas that they have”. When I do that, I can trust and not assume the negative.
When I do this preparation, my mental state is so much better. I can be more effective at whatever it is I’m doing. If it is something where I’m part of a team, like in my family, work or church, then I also become much more effective as a member of that team. It is important that we trust each other. When I trust another person, I know that they don’t have any ill intent. We can then work well together.
Trusting doesn’t come naturally to me. I don’t know if it comes naturally to anyone. If is does, I think that’s a gift.
I haven’t identified what exactly it is about me that is so quick to jump to the negative, rather than see the positive. I know many people who don’t jump to negative conclusions, and it seems to help them have pretty good lives and relationships. In the last few years, I’ve tried to practice more optimism and empathy, to also be more self-aware. It feels good.
I’m trying. I’m exercising those habit muscles. As they say, identifying the issue is the first step. Working at it is the second. I guess I can say that I’ve been working on it for 25 years. I’m getting better, but it feels like a long game.
I have successes, and I really like those. I still have many failures and I try to learn from those.
In the end, I’m me. I’m not stuck in one place, but a work in progress. I hope to gain some ground reading the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
Image by schroederhund from Pixabay