Do you ever stew?
You know, some event or conversation occurs and then it consumes your mental faculties for a time? For me it always happens because of a negative event or idea.
Here’s a somewhat hypothetical example. A colleague at work says or does something that I completely disagree with. It may not impact me directly, but it draws me in emotionally. After hearing their opinion, or experiencing what they did, my mind turns it over again and again. I play out full possible conversations in my mind where I lay out arguments to counter their idea. This could go on for days or weeks. Sometimes I might verbalize my thoughts, but always and only to a third party, never to the one involved.
I dwell. I brood. I stew.
At times this can feel all-consuming. When I get into this state, my mental and emotional quality of life takes a nose-dive. Sadly, if the other person is someone with whom I have regular contact, the result could be significant damage to whatever relationship we have.
My wife and I were talking about this recently, and she pointed out how much her practice of meditation has helped her be able to recognize when that occurs, acknowledge the thoughts she’s having, then move on and not stew.
My first reaction was amazement. I thought that stewing was something that only I did, and would have never thought that it happened to her. It seems silly now, but I honestly thought that it was some defective part of my character that others didn’t have or have to deal with.
My second reaction was thoughtful surprise. It was not a connection that I had made, but when I thought about it in that way, I could see that maybe this benefit of meditating was happening with me as well.
My wife has been practicing meditation for much longer than I have, and has tried several different methods. Me, I just stick with the Headspace app. Our conversation reminded me of part of the Headspace meditation. As you’re trying to focus, other thoughts will appear. Don’t try to force them out, or prevent them from happening. When you notice them, just recognize them and then return to focusing on breathing.
By practicing that in the micro arena of sitting quietly in my chair trying to breathe, maybe I’m building a little skill at doing the same in the macro arena of life, where people annoy me often. Concurrently with my meditation practice, I have had a mental reset of my focus on positivity and gratitude. Now, armed with a minor league skill at meditation and a focus on positivity, I can avoid stewing by recognizing what’s going on and choosing a different train of thought.
I think that my mental state has been better in the last year or so. If asked, I would have said that it was because of the new job (reset), the fact that my colleagues are at a distance, and that I’m only with clients for a short period of time, so they can’t annoy me as much. I’m sure those have been important pieces. Now that Kara has shed a little light on the idea of using meditation to stop stewing before it starts, I’d like to think that in some way I’m becoming a better person, and not just avoiding people who annoy me.
Cover Image by Johannes Plenio, stew image by roymungez1, both from Pixabay